$=$=$=$=$=$=$=$=$=$=$=$=$=$=$=$=$=$=$=$=$=$ Wealth Healthy Women Newsletter Healthy Attitudes ==> Wealthy Women [TM] August, 2002 $=$=$=$=$=$=$=$=$=$=$=$=$=$=$=$=$=$=$=$=$=$ WELCOME to Wealth Healthy Women [TM], a free e-mail newsletter for women seeking greater financial freedom and well-being. To subscribe to this free e-mail newsletter please send an e-mail to Lynne@WealthHealthy.com. In the subject line put "Subscribe Newsletter". $=$=$=$=$=$=$=$=$=$=$=$=$=$=$=$=$=$=$=$=$=$ IN THIS ISSUE: 1. Note From Your Editor, Lynne 2. Article: Pillar Five of Financial Self-Esteem: Dealing with Money Purposefully 3. Resource Spotlight 4. WealthHealthy Announcements ^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^ -=- Note From Lynne -=- Hello! I'll be leaving for three weeks in Vietnam next week, so this will be the last issue of WHW for the summer. As I've mentioned in previous issues, learning about the world through travel is a "core" value of mine. So, it seems timely that the feature article in this issue of WHW is the fifth pillar of financial self-esteem -- dealing with money purposefully. As you'll read below, this pillar is closely involved with identifying and living by your core values, needs and goals. And, there is a price tag attached to living your goals and dreams that we need to be mindful of, and can make choices as a result. I've been very aware of this pillar, and its implications as we've planned our trip. There have been many decisions to make -- from what cities and towns to visit, to what activities are absolutely essential to us to do, to how do we travel from city to city. All of the different options carry different "price" tags money-wise, time-wise, and fulfillment-wise. There's also the process of making decisions with another person who has his own set of values, needs and goals. So, I've been "actively working my fifth pillar" these past few months! And, I will say that it's been enlightening and fulfilling to be intentional about this journey. I wish you a wonderful August, and look forward to re-connecting in September after my return. Warmly, Lynne ^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^ -=Feature Article: Money Self-Assertiveness=- $=$ BACKGROUND $=$ In the last issue, we covered the financial self-esteem pillar of financial self-responsibility. Key points of this pillar: * Taking self-responsibility for your financial well-being is about being respons-ive to yourself. * Taking self-responsibility means challenging money myths and messages that discount your true capabilities in money matters, and result in self-criticism when you don't take charge of your money life. * Taking responsibility for your financial choices is empowering and builds confidence. $=$ MONEY SELF-ASSERTIVENESS $=$ Who hasn't had fantasies, at some time in their life, of making some big statement about who they are through money? Maybe it's showing up at work with a truly fabulous designer suit with matching accessories. Or, zipping down the road in a gorgeous, expensive car and watching the heads turn. Perhaps your statement takes a very different form, such as living like an impoverished student when you come from a wealthy family. While "self-expression" through money is very common, that's not what we're referring to when we speak of money self-assertion. Rather: * When you are financially self-assertive, you present yourself to others in a way that is consistent with your financial means. Living in Washington, D.C., where image and power are very important commodities, it's not uncommon for people to be living way beyond their means. I've talked to women like Megan who firmly believes that she needs $500 suits, Farragamo shoes and Gucci bags to be taken seriously -- and that she cannot wear the same suit more than once per month in case someone at work would recognize that she's worn it before. I've worked with parents like Samantha who is sending her children to expensive private schools so that they can receive a good education and "make the right contacts." While education is a wonderful value, parents like Samantha can live with a high level of money stress. Samantha is highly leveraged and constantly worried about the money that she needs for her sizable mortgage on a house in the "right" location, the loan on her Mercedes, for expensive social activities for her children and their friends, and so the list goes. When I asked Samantha what this was doing to her, and doing for her, she explained that she didn't want her children to be embarrassed about their home and their mother. She added that she didn't want to suffer the possibility of being "marginalized" by wealthier parents, which would be very humiliating for her. Consequently, Samantha was quite vulnerable to the requests that her children made for sports equipment, new clothes, and taking friends along on expensive vacations -- and didn't set limits. Perhaps your situation is not as dramatic as Megan's and Samantha's. But many of us can probably think of a time when we presented ourselves in a certain way to impress a date or friend that was not consistent with our financial means. Or, we agreed to split an expensive restaurant bill when we only had an appetizer, because we didn't want to appear cheap or reveal that we were on a tight budget. * Committing to self-assertiveness means that you don't pretend to be rich when you're not, out of fear that people will look down on you. It takes courage to face this type of fear, since it may evoke memories of being made fun of, rejected or snubbed in the past. And the reality is, there ARE people who are highly status and money conscious, and they could reject you. When I'm coaching someone who afraid of being snubbed or rejected because of their financial situation, I ask them to consider several questions. I'll put four questions here, and provide others under the Tips section. 1. What evidence do you have that this (hypothetical or real) person will say something derogatory or cutting because you don't have much money? 2. (Particularly if there is little evidence) Could your reactions have anything to do with previous rejections or humiliations? 3. Let's say that this person does shoot a real zinger at you, or mocks your situation. What would be the worst thing that could happen? 4. And, what does that action (putting you down) say about that person? In addition to addressing the fear, it is helpful to formulate some personal guidelines for how you want to present yourself to others in a way that is consistent with your financial means. For example, notice when you become apologetic for any limits on spending, such as going out for lunch. Set a guideline of "no apologies." Another example of a guideline could be "no competition." Choose to not engage in competitive discussions of money, such as how much you earn or spend to prove your self- worth or self-importance. Finally, select a few action steps to put into practice, such as saying "I'd rather meet you for coffee than dinner tomorrow." And remember, comfort and confidence come from practice. * Money self-assertiveness also means being comfortable with sharing financial successes rather than downplaying them out of fear that someone else will feel bad or envious. I notice this lack of money self-assertiveness more with women than men. Women, in their traditional roles as nurturers and tenders of relationships, often "tone themselves down" if they think that someone else will feel inadequate or envious of what they have earned for themselves. My client Mona felt uncomfortable about sharing her recent promotion (and huge salary increase) with her friends, worried that she'd appear to be bragging. Lisa believes that talking about how much money you make or have is "tacky." "You should feel good about other things, like what kind of a person you are." Philosophically, I believe that it is important for women to be comfortable about their achievements, including those that involve money. Our concerns about talking about money may be a result of our cultural learning. Certain topics have been "taboo" culturally, and money has been up there on the list with sex. As Lisa put it, it's "tacky" (read as: don't talk about it.) And, there are the sex role messages that women internalize, which Mona illustrates -- if you talk about your successes, others will feel diminished, so keep them to yourself for the sake of peace and harmony in your relationships. As I pointed out to Lisa, your relationship with money IS a part of who you are. What you do with money reflects your values, your attitudes and your identity. You have choices, as you do with people, as to what kind of relationship you have with money, for what reasons you share facets of your money life with others, and how you talk to others about it. The more comfortable you are with your financial actions and successes, the more naturally and easily you can bring them into conversations, when YOU decide it is meaningful to discuss them. $=$ TIPS $=$ 1. Here are some questions to ask yourself when you fear being put down or rejected for your financial reality. These follow on the four questions presented earlier: * For what reasons are you "taking that on" (i.e. the derogatory comment) as something true about yourself? * Do you really want to be with someone that would treat you that way? Is it worth it? If so, why, or why not? * If you don't want to be with a person who is judgmental about money, what does that say about your values and your inner strength? (The same question applied if you are willing to tolerate the judgments.) 2. When embarrassed, some people "lose their voice" and can't think of a response in the moment. Others lose their tempers. Neither response feels good (although blasting someone back might bring the immediate satisfaction of avenging yourself.) An alternative is to develop some strategies that you can use in these situations. Take a few minutes to answer: * How would you like to respond in a situation where someone is being judgmental? * What response would support your integrity as a person? Using humor, setting a boundary? 3. Practice sharing your successes, taking small steps. Pick and choose carefully who you share with. To gather ideas, ask yourself: * What would I like to hear from other people about their financial successes? * Who talks about money in a comfortable, self-assured way? What does she say and do that appeals to me? * What can I say that is short and to the point for starters. For example, with a good friend: "I'd love to share some exciting news with you...I'm getting a great raise." A friend who asks you how you did on the sale of your condo: "Thanks for asking. I'm really pleased that I got a good price for it." **Missing copies of the FOUR previous issues on Financial Self-Esteem? Send an e-mail to Lynne@WealthHealthy.com requesting the overview article; Pillar 1, Living Consciously with Money; Pillar 2, Financial Self-Acceptance; and\or Pillar 3, Financial Self-Responsibility. ^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^ -=-Resource Spotlight: Financial Summer Camps for Teens-=- One financial topic that deeply interests me is how to help children develop financial intelligence and integrity. Of course, what you teach your children in your home is critically important. In addition, some schools are offering personal finance courses. The American Savings Education Council's 1999 Youth and Money Survey indicated that 60% of high school students were being offered these courses; only 21% had signed up. (Perhaps the numbers will look different in 2002, given the fall of the stock market, corporate scandals and other current events.) Today, the Wall Street Journal (7/31/02, Personal finance section, D2) presented another option: financial summer camps for teenagers. These camps teach money management, investment fundamentals, risk management, and other skills. The article by Christine Whelan spotlighted four camps, two that are exclusively for girls: YoungBiz Better Investing Camps, Camp Start-Up and Summer Stock (girls ages 14-21), Wall Street 101, and Salomon Smith Barney Financial Camp for Girls (Ages 12-17). If you would like further information, I refer you to the WSJ article. If you don't have access to the Journal, here are the websites for the camps: YoungBiz: www.youngbiz.com Camp Start-Up: www.dollardiva.com Wall Street 101: www.bentley.edu/camp Salomon: www.pvgsc.org or www.ptgirlscouts.org ~ ~ ~ ~ If you have read a book that has made a difference in your money life, send a one or two paragraph review to Lynne@WealthHealthy.com. As long as it meets certain editorial guidelines, I'll publish the review in a future issue to share with other WealthHealthy readers. ^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^` $$ WealthHealthy Announcements $$ -=- Teleclasses -=- Will resume in September, after I return from Vietnam! Watch for announcements in future issues. If there is a topic that particularly interests you, please let me know. Previous WealthHealthy teleclasses have included Committing Yourself to Intentional Investing, Overcome Overspending Now!, Setting SMART Financial Goals, Raising Your FS-E (Financial Self-Esteem) Quotient. Send your interests to Lynne@WealthHealthy.com. I also have had a couple of requests for the six-session WealthHealthy Basics group. In the group, we cover topics including: What money means to you, money myths and messages that hold you back, where am I (financially) right now?, managing old debt, spending plans, and designing for your financial future. The topics can be individualized depending on the needs and interests of the class participants. Groups would be starting in mid-September. If you are interested, contact me at Lynne@ WealthHealthy.com, and put BASIC CLASS in the subject line. ^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^ To hear a 10-minute description of the WealthHealthy approach, as well as a bit about me, you can call 1-212-461-2660. If you are interested in coaching, simply e-mail me at Lynne@WealthHealthy.com or call me at (202) 387-5923. Please include your name, e-mail address, phone number and brief description of your interest in being coached. ^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^ Pass this newsletter along to friends, family, and colleagues who also may be interested in moving toward greater financial freedom and well-being. They can get their own free subscription by going to http://wealthhealthy.com and signing up -- it's as simple as typing in your e-mail address. Or, send an e-mail to whw-request@WealthHealthy.com with the word "subscribe newsletter" in the body of the letter. ^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^ PLEASE NOTE: Wealth Healthy Women [TM] is intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is not a substitute for financial, legal, accounting, psychotherapeutic, or other professional advice and consultation. ^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^ Copyright 2002 Lynne Hornyak. All rights reserved. The above material is copyrighted but you may retransmit or distribute it to whomever you wish as long as not a single word is changed, added or deleted, including the contact information. However, you may not copy it to a website without my permission. Reprint permission will be freely granted upon request. Advance written permission must be obtained for any reprinting of this material in modified or altered form. ^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^ $$ CONTACT INFORMATION $$ Lynne Hornyak, Ph.D. WealthHealthy.com Phone: (202) 387-5923 Fax: (202) 244-3373 e-mail: Lynne@WealthHealthy.com Web: http://WealthHealthy.com